The past couple days have been a real wake up call for me. Having time to reflect on my relationships with people, especially Sami as of late, I can see why my past is riddled with disappointments and heartbreak. Here’s why:
The truth is I am consumed by loneliness and the fear of further, unstoppable rejection. I need the attention, kindness, sympathy, and acceptance of a healthy support system because I can’t provide it for myself. However, I try to get one from anybody who shows a glimmer of potential to provide it, even if it is accompanied with a flood of bad behaviors that are ugly, demeaning, self-important, lazy, dishonest, etc.
So where did this issue come from exactly? For my family, I tried to the best of my knowledge and ability, to do what has been asked of me, even when I have wanted other things. I have been loyal, faithful, and obedient, putting my life’s energy into being a daughter worthy of pride and acceptance. The hardest part is that I have constantly been deceived, used, abused, ignored, or completely abandoned and there is no way of pleasing these people, despite what I have accomplished thus far. The consequence is that my family is not doing their share and denies me what being in their family should come with, but most definitely cheat me out of what my efforts have earned.
I will never get over this. My family is made up of irreplaceable people that I love with all my heart and soul, regardless of what has happened. Even without their support, I continue to work hard on my personal and professional growth. Everything I do, I put my whole self into it and generally have succeeded, despite the odds against me. At the end of the day, I want to be dignified and valuable in hopes that if things turn around, I could be someone my parents are happy with.
There are definite positives in how I have reacted to this situation. I consistently focus and work on being pleasing in any way I can. It keeps me humble, self aware through reflection, open minded, and honest. Challenging myself to reach greater heights in what I do has given me the ability not to hide from the truth, as this shows me where I can improve to reach the highest caliber of what I do. I put thought into actions, especially in trying to intercept what kind of impression I give off.
Certainly, I am not perfect and at times can seem a bit fake or raw, but I think that comes from having to repress unresolved hurt and frustration. At my core, I really don’t like bringing up problems or disagreements, as I feel that it makes people defensive, but I find that conflict resolution facilitates healing and understanding, allowing relationships to grow and move on to better times. It gives me a feeling of walking on eggshells, since bringing conflict to light seems to be worse than the actual conflict itself and most of the time, people ignore it to preserve egos, avoid facing reality, blame, and/or responsibility.
The down side is that there is no real incentive for people with their own support system to return this sort of sentiment, energy, or deep thought to me. As a result, I accept lower standards from others to a point where a lack of reflection, conflict resolution, effort, thought or priority is allowed. I struggle with this sort of indifference and it cheats me out of having a balanced relationship. Over time, I become resentful of unresolved conflicts and being made into a villain, when I am the one being patient and used. Synergistically, the lack of evidence that the person loves or cares about me makes it difficult for me to stay or they feel as if I am too argumentative and can be replaced with someone less combative.
At the end of the day, it makes me as a person to others unnecessary and often my effort to bring people closer is in vain. They can push me away, act selfishly, and use my good nature without repercussion, or worse, simply abandon me when I need them the most. This system leaves me quite lovesick, lonely, and utterly confused. I feel as if I have nothing left to offer; I gave my best and that doesn’t appear to be working. I am expected to act with integrity, humility, and kindness without being told to and when I ask for the same self regulation from others, I then become too much effort.
The firm reality I am coming to accept is the nature of love from people is granted for no reason. People just love others randomly and blindly. Though I am sure there are modes of persuasion in and out of it, my experience with Sami taught me that love is unwavering, and applies to who people are, were, and will be.
I have good memories of home made cards, thoughtful and loving, and it does sadden me that they have been replaced with a convenient, generic card that I store bought and gave as a gift in a box of 10. I wish he had kept doing the sweet and kind things he used to because they consoled me when times were hard. When he stopped showing me he cared or thought about me when I wasn’t around, everything became impossibly difficult. I felt trapped, like I was making things worse by not hiding my feelings or having real expectations of someone I had given endless patience, time, thought, and energy to. Being upset with unsatisfactory treatment was looked down on and the gap between the standard widened. In hindsight, I should have let him bring me close, instead of pulling him in all the way, so he could miss me and want me back, which would have given him a chance to learn how to win me back. My eagerness to not be alone mislead the way I acted and in situations where I should have pushed him I away, I pulled him in closer to make up for the failure of other relationships. When I came here, I lost my Dad. In February, Kristin left. In August, Ethan left. In January, I failed a Candidacy and the BMB department abandoned hope for me. I needed help, strength, and tenderness in a place where it is scarce and I looked to Sami, my closest companion, for these things. I couldn’t accept another unrequited relationship. It was too hard.
I should have done it a long time ago too, when our time together wasn’t so fraught with arguing, rather fun times. I fear that there isn’t anything to miss, just a relief being with me is over. For me, the hardest part is that my need to be cared about, for the fragile person I have become, put too much pressure on him and I lacked the courage to be alone long enough to let him have the space and time to make his self improvement possible. I know how hard it is to try to improve when it feels like nothing I do is right and it is most hypocritical to not give someone the chance I wish I could get.